The Heart!

The first time I realized I was running into a tunnel with only one end, I was too far into it.

One early morning, I found myself lying in bed wondering which part of me was actually worth living for. My heart, my mind or my soul. Now before you jump to conclusions, this is not a sob story. Yes it is a story of distress and trouble but it leads into a life of self actualisation.

I was in love yet again with another beautiful boy. He had been in my life for a while when he decided he'd had enough. My mind thought WTF man? It had decided that love was this knife that would only turn its hurtful side on you when it was reaching the bottom. It thought that life was better off without the feeling of rejection, that nothing, most certainly not love was worth living for unless it made you half as happy as you wanted to be.

I was in the middle of yet another bad phase in family life. Fights, arguments and constant yelling was the only thing you'd hear while crossing my house. My prayer for a peaceful family life, a prayer I had prayed a long time ago and continue to pray for was left unanswered. My soul, the one thing that belonged to God was coming to be more human and mortal than my very existence.

I was then back in the one place that found me peace. Church. Sunday morning and I was sitting and thinking to myself if all these were nothing but inconsequential happenings. Things that even if they did happen wouldn't really change my life.

My heart, a sound I hadn't heard in quite a while finally spoke to me and told me what she felt. Faith in the Lord does not come from understanding each decision He makes for you. It is however accepting these decisions as the best thing he could do for you. He after all does know best.

Why did I use the word self actualisation? Because that's when I realized that I'm not living for my soul, my soul lives because of me. And I'm not living for my mind, my mind lives within me. I am however living for my heart, for my heart is me.

The first time I thought I was running into a tunnel with only one end, I could see the light at the other side. No. The tunnel wasn't one with only one end, the doubts in my mind and soul just never let me see the beauty of the light my heart shone!

The Relationship Crisis.

It's always fun to be in a relationship. You feel important, like you are part of something that matters to someone other than yourself. You feel pretty darn good about yourself. You look in the mirror in the morning and you notice that you look prettier than you did before. Your boobs look like they sag less, your face looks less chubby which makes you feel thinner and that red dress that you thought didn't suit you now makes yo look beautiful.

For the next few days you just start feeling prettier and prettier. Nothing can bring you down. The jokes cracked at your expense now only hurt if they are from your significant other. The cute boys in college are not that important anymore cause the cutest boy in the world is dating you. How nice the world seems through the eyes of this new found love. It feels like everything you see is wonderful and everything you do is exciting.

Then one day it happens. The silence in the air takes over you for a second and then the noise can't seem to stop getting louder. It grows on you. That beauty has been taken away. Nothing seems pretty anymore, not even the dog at home whom you love so much. The next morning you wake up feeling ugly. You look at your face, UGLY UGLY UGLY. Everything you do seems like the toughest thing and you chose to dramatize every part of your life.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe its not anything but your mind that makes you feel all these things. The night before you started dating this ever so amazing guy, you were different right? And the day after that ended you were different right? Isn't that just a bunch of bullshit?

You look pretty. Not cause of that guy, but because you're happy. You're smiling. Thats what really makes you pretty. YOU! Not that guy. You feel ugly cause lets face it, crying and kajal really don't get along. Again, its YOU! Not that guy.

You're beautiful. No matter what. Guys are a bunch of bullshit. They treat you all nice, get into your t-shirt and sometimes your pants and when they find a set of bigger, better boobs they're all nice to that pair again leaving you screaming in pain. But do they really deserve it? NO!

C'mon girls! Have your fun. Have you ever wondered how it is to be in a relationship that is more than just simple PLATONIC??? Well, live it! Date a guy for 6 months and live to one rule...NO TOUCHING!!! Then you'll find a keeper! Don't let him rule you...RULE HIM or very soon you'll find yourself saying, 'what went wrong', 'it hurts so bad', 'i'm a terrible person', etc, etc, and you'll realize you're in yet another RELATIONSHIP CRISIS!!!

THE CRY OF MY HEART!

''The walls are crumbling around me. It seems as though there's no way to escape. I need to get out. I need to reach some place safe, somewhere I don't need to hide.''

All my life I've been waiting for someone who I could actually hold on to. Someone that I'll mean as much to as he means to me. The truth behind why I'm still alone is that I'm scared. I'm scared of the outcome. I'm scared for tomorrow. I'm so scared for tomorrow that I'm forgetting to live today.

But mostly I'm scared of myself. I'm scared that he won't love me because I don't look good enough or because i'm not a good person. But am I really as beautiful as some people tell me I am? If I am then why doesn't he love me? Am I expecting and hoping for someone that can't be mine? Am I making the same mistake again?

God knows that I've been through a thousand frogs to get to this wonderful prince, but is he my prince? Or is he going to turn out to be someone else's prince and one more of my frogs? Is that even fair? When I see that there are those who are hurting people immensely who still manage to find someone beautiful, why can't I find someone who I wish to keep forever? Why is it that the people who don't want it at all find it right in front of them while I'm still searching?

Is it that hard for me to find someone who loves me for who I am and not really for what i look like but who still thinks I am beautiful? Sometimes I think it is. And then he comes to my rescue again. Just when I need him the most he calls and talks to me like I'm the only person on earth who really matters.

But am I dreaming? Is this going to be one of those nightmares at the end of which I'm going to find myself alone again? Am i going to be the loser? Is my heart going to break? Is it really happening all over again?

I can only, but hope not. As little as hope can seem, it is indeed the greatest gift of God. It turns your frown into a smile, your fear into your greatest achievement and your greatest desire into the reality you've been waiting for all your life.

'Nothing can take him away from me now' cries my heart filled with hope. Filled with the desire that he hears my voice and understands that I love him and that I'll love him till the end of time.

As the clock ticks on, I hear it move, my eyes droop on into a sleep that will take me to a land where we breathe together. Together in peace, together in love and together in hope that someday we'll have the courage to challenge the world and proclaim our love for each other or surely my love for him.

Till then my heart beats silently still...''The walls are crumbling around me. It seems as though there is no escape. I need to get out. I need to reach some place safe, somewhere I don't need to hide.''

LET US BE!

So, Life is funny...heard that before? It comes up from behind you and knocks you down just when you are at your highest. Well, you should have known it was bound to happen. When you are that high, where else would you go? It's hard. Yes it is. No one said it was going to be easy. But what makes it easy is the faith you have. Keep believing in God and that he will make it all better.

Yes. We all have heard it before haven't we? How to keep having faith in God cause he will be there for you and save you from all life's hardest times. But what happens when it keeps happening? What happens when you really are happy for the first time in your life and life brings you down even after you've begged and pleaded with God not to let you down. Not this time. How can you still keep believing in God? How can you keep believing that He will not let you down?

Its not as simple as everyone says it is. You feel nobody understands the pain you feel cause they're all telling you how you'll get through it and you'll laugh at it someday. It hurts you even more when your closest friends can't really wipe your tears away. Its awful and you feel alone. But you know what you're not. Cause suddenly the phone rings and its him. You answer the tears wipe themselves away. They're gone. The smile on your face comes back broadening every second. He makes you smile and makes your life feel beautiful all over again.

He called yesterday and he spoke to me. It felt so nice to hear his voice. So nice to feel like I was in his arms and he was with me, loving me all over again. I missed him. I couldn't even remember why we weren't together anymore. We were so good, so pure and so happy. What went wrong? His exams? That's all. We could have gotten through it. We could still be happy.

The hope starts to fade and he calls. The memories seem to die and there we were creating new ones. The whats wrong with us? Why the hell aren't we together? Who can I blame? Was it him? Was it me? No? Then who was it? It's all controlled and planned from above right? Then why shouldn't I blame them high up there? It is ultimately their decision what happens down here isn't it?

I'm asking again anyways. God, if you can hear me, I am really in love with him. Will you please let us be together. I know he loves me. I feel it in my heart every time I hear his voice. You know I love him. What more do we need? I want nothing more than his love. Give it to me.

LET US BE LORD, LET US BE!